There are so many reasons you SHOULD NOT do ballroom dancing, but let’s just stick to the important ones.
1. You are too sexy. - Good-looking, charming, smart, funny, talented, rich… Your positive traits are really too numerous to list. Ballroom dancing would really make you less marketable on the singles’ scene since your perfection would only intimidate potential mates. Learning the social and entertaining skill of ballroom dancing will only clog your already-over-scheduled calendar with dates. And really? You do not need any more compliments or attention from the opposite sex.
2. You love the idea of mental deterioration. - I’m no doctor, but studies show that the movement, patterning, social interaction, and creative thinking involved in the ballroom lead to a measurably lower risk of dementia (including Alzheimer’s). But maybe your kids will really annoy you and you’d like to forget about them as soon as possible.
3. Your enviable physique needs to involve grunting and torturous - looking machines, “sets”, “miles”, and nobody that’s pretty to look at or smells good. Ballroom dancing (and the practice of all of its finer techniques) could never give you culpted abs, ripped back and shoulders, toned legs, and a tight caboose while being totally enjoyable and not feeling like a work out at all.
4. Your relationship is so EN FUEGO - there is no need to stoke the flame of passion between you and your partner. I mean, any more animal magnetism between you and your lover would just make people uncomfortable. Plus, what’s so great about moving rhythmically with your special someone in your arms… like one does on the dance floor?
5. You have no fears or challenges left unconquered. - Fear of imperfection, public performance, and losing? You totally nailed those in high school! Learning a new skill, overcoming a big goal, and pushing yourself out of your comfort zone? Personal growth is for losers! Your life is perfect, just the way it is!
Don’t get involved with ballroom dancing. You’ll only make new friends, have a fun hobby, get in shape, feel great, and expand your horizons.
I’m just a sarcastic writer / professional ballroom dancer, so please don’t take my word for any sort of legitimate medical advice.